My Father
It’s still really hard to come to terms with it, I lost my father on the 26th of August of this year. I still can’t forget it, I was awoken early morning all the way in Dallas to be informed that my father has passed on while on duty in the Netherlands.
Rough weather was something we were accustomed to since he has been in the maritime profession for more than 45 years.
I really can’t recall much of our verbal conversation, it was on a weekend or maybe Tuesday of that week where we just caught up, and he asks me the usual, “what are you eating”, “have you been exercising or not” “get your drivers license, it’s a really important document to have”
The official account of his passing states that he slipped and fell from the captain's deck completely in the air without any obstruction. We weren’t informed of this accident immediately and is it turns out he was conscious for 4 hours after this before he passed. There was a lot of negligence by the crew onboard and no proper protocol was followed or there wasn’t any in place which stated a plan of action when the captains incapacitated. Well in my limited experience of life, my first response is calling for help but in my father’s case, the Coast Guard was called 3 hours later. In fact, after the accident, my father carried on with his duty and instructed the crew to maneuver the ship. The funny thing is that not even for a day the ship's operations halted or the company and owners lose any money and that initial (but last) oversight my father helped to manage the ship in the worse of weather situations. There’s a lot I can go on about the mismanagement from the company and the crew onboard but it’s something I have accepted. Life’s cruel and he for some odd reason had to go 64 years young.
So the rest of this whatever you may call this memoir/story etc. is just an ode to the most selfless and loving man I’ve known or seen.
He really didn’t want much from me, all he truly and really cared about was my happiness and I know that sounds cliched and something which is absurd to expect from an Indian father but this was truly his nature. He used to call me “bebo” and he always said “bebo tu khush toh haina” , “bebo you’re fine na”, “Bebo you have money in your account na”. Our relationship was distant yet the closest thing you can imagine, he was 45 years older than me and having two older siblings over me, our relationship was fairly simple since all the complications were solved amongst the siblings and mom.
He and I were just solid fun, it was all about food, comedy, and more. It was easy being his son, his omnipresence made me feel so secure and strong. I really couldn’t gauge much of his feelings, but finally, it was time I was graduating and I will be taking on more responsibilities with my brother as we tell dad to retire and put his feet up. I could’ve finally gotten to know more about him, his needs, and the things he wanted. He left me while I was just becoming a man. All I feel sad about now are the invaluable lessons that were ahead of me, the time we were about to share after I graduate and he retires, the amazing meals that we were about to enjoy, and the vacations we were about to take.
His passing has left me in an emotional vacuum that I really don’t know what to feel and even how to feel. I was trying to deal with it by not thinking about him completely and stress about school, get a job, and care for mom but I believe this was needed, I need to let out and process his loss than suppressing it. This is just a way I thought I can let myself out.
I just want him to smile wherever he is and guide our family in what seems like an endless abyss of emptiness.
I Love you PAPA
